ITEM: The bullpen of a fan-favorite baseball team shit the bed (literally, poop all over the duvet!) over the weekend, according to an anonymous tipster, and will not be going to the big dance (again!). Sources indicate that the team may be fuming at their cross-town rival’s exposure as they both vacate their old homes for multi-million dollar villas.
ITEM: Our insiders say one big apple receiver is sitting out his team’s big game and that he’s a shithead who beats his wife, and he’s fucking up my fantasy week and I hope he dies (but not until week seventeen)!
ITEM: What Second City skipper has a potty mouth? Our man on the inside says both!
ITEM: Which grizzled gunslinger gunslang a personal best six touchdowns this weekend? I don’t know! It seems like the media refuses to talk about the guy!
Final Note: Sources say that one Monday Night pigskin analyst is surprisingly insufferable, and should stick to his day job, where he’s not infuriating!
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