Thursday, August 21, 2008

They ain't gettin' any younger...



I'm still coming to grips with the fact that I'm going to have to wake up at 10:00am every Sunday and will be stuck watching the Chargers and Raiders. No more copious amounts of KFC and Mountain Dew while checking one of three laptops for constant fantasy updates. Yes, my NFL viewing habits will drastically change this season, but I'll just have to fight through it. Speaking of fighting through it (those transitions, just flawless), two of the best quarterbacks of all time are dealing with injuries heading into September. Both are absolutely irreplaceable, more so than any other players in the entire league. Both have won championships and have put up record setting numbers. They are both future Hall of Famers. And both currently have their head coaches forced to watch Matt Cassel and Jim Sorgi do...whatever it is that they do.


Peyton Manning answered all the doubters when he led the Colts to victory in Super Bowl 41. The Dan Marino comparisons were washed away and his legacy cemented. Having Marvin Harrison in his prime didn't hurt of course, but the 94.7 career QB rating speaks for itself. However, Manning is entering his 12th NFL season and turned 32 years old in March. He had surgery on his left knee back in July to remove an infected bursa sac. While he is only expected to miss at most the first regular season game, it's never a comforting feeling to have your starting quarterback have any kind of surgery less than two months before the season starts. How tentative will he be coming back? While his "laser rocket arm" might be healthy, it's Manning's knees that will continue to give him problems throughout the rest of his career. I don't know if there will ever be another quarterback like him who can call every single play right at the line. It's essentially running a hurry up offense every down. The Colts have been fortunate that guys like Reggie Wayne and Joseph Addai have emerged as premiere players in the league, but Indianapolis is a .500 team at best without Peyton. And in the AFC (and the AFC South in particular) that just ain't gonna cut it.

Tom Brady has a "foot injury." The last time he had a "foot injury" the New England Patriots lost the Super Bowl. In typical Belichick/New England fashion, no one is saying a damn thing about it. Brady turned 31 a couple of weeks ago but already has three Super Bowl rings. He's rich, he's marketable, and he's banging one of the hottest, richest women on the planet. So things aren't too bad overall for the former Wolverine. But at least with Manning, we know what the hell is wrong with him. Brady actually let it slip (against orders no doubt) that it is the same foot (right) that was hurt in January. And then of course there's the ubiquitous shoulder injury that has been listed on the injury report every week for what seems like forever. The Boston Globe reports that he did return to practice yesterday and may even play in the Pats' third preseason game. We'll see about that. After their third Super Bowl win, I thought it would be a smart move for Brady to retire right then and there. Of course, we wouldn't have been privy to the awesomeness that was last season. But does the New England front office see the writing on the wall? They drafted 6'6 QB Kevin O'Connell from San Diego State back in April. Between you and me, I don't see Matt Cassel or Matt Gutierrez ever successfully running an NFL offense.

Now if you're an avid NFL fan, I'm sure you're waiting in line to laugh at me and tell me that Peyton Manning and Tom Brady are second and third on the list for most consecutive starts among active QBs. I'm well aware. But with all that they have accomplished so far, and with the injuries starting to pile up, where does the duo go from here? Sure, both of their teams have a great shot at making the Super Bowl again this year, but what about 2009? 2010? Personally, I don't want to see either hang around for too long like some guys we know who will be throwing balls 10 yards past Jerricho Cotchery this season... Early 30s in NFL years is like late 40s in actual human time. (Probably way older for running backs and linemen.) So while I stumble out of bed earlier than anyone should on a Sunday just to watch sports, I'll have to rely mostly on highlights to follow two of the greatest players of all time try to stay healthy and grab another ring. Here's to watching Philip Rivers games instead...

I Love You, Universal HD

Unlike my colleague Billy, I have been thoroughly enjoying the Olympics this year. If for no other reason I enjoy being able to, at any moment in the day, flip the channel and see somebody do something better than anyone else in the world. One of my best surprises was finding out that a second channel, besides NBC, was showing content 'round the clock. What's even better, they tend to have the typically less-aired events. I've seen boxing, equestrian, water polo, handball, and more.

So tonight I'm folding my laundry and decide "hey, why not liven up this mind-numbing task with some O-Lympic excitement!" Seeing that NBC has switched over to "news" I got to my trusty new friend, Universal HD. And what do I see?

This:
That's right. Olympic freakin RACE WALKING. It's not that I've never heard of the sport before... I used to watch Malcom in the Middle just like you did. I've just never seen people who take it seriously in action. Emphasis not on the action.

I have to say I'm riveted to my set as I watch these brave athletes fight through the torrential downpour that's surely making it slightly less comfortable to walk in. I mean, have you ever walked for a while after stepping in a puddle? Yuck, no thanks. Walk on you brave soldiers.

The best part has been listening to these announcers fill over 30 minutes with commentary. I now know that international officials hold up signs to warn competitors that they are breaking form... that the race walking fans are an "intense, tight knit community"... that they had to put down a new surface because the walkers complained that the asphalt was "too hard"... and that competitors apparently chat it up during competitions. And of course I've been treated to such quips as "Kaniskina is really WALKING away with this one..." and "It looks like she's taking a WALK in the park". Oh Olympic commentating B Z Team... you clever bastards.

At least now I know that long distance race walkers get the same weird, creepy abs that all elite distance track stars get (see below). So, I've got that goin for me. Which is nice.

Also, nice tan lines. I know there's not much sun in England, but DAMN.

EDIT: Just heard "In a moment we'll see just exactly how wide her gap is." Giggity.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Man, I know what you’re thinkin’.

You’re like: “Hey, where the content at, holmes”? – Don’t worry, I feel you, but you have to understand, ain’t shit goin’ down right now in the world of sports. Baseball is happening, but only because it still has to. Pre-Season football is only interesting because it is meaningless but can still totally blow your team’s season (see: Pennington, Chadwick). Hockey… yeah, I don't really even know.

“But what about the ‘lympics”? - you’re asking in your mouth-breathing twang. Breaking News: Fuck the Ho-lympics! Michael Phelps is weird looking. The Dumb Nickname Team is beating up on squads whose countries’ GDP’s are lower than their back court’s salary. Most damningly, IOC out and out refuses to make the Eliminator* a sanctioned event. Volleyball is good, but mostly because of butts.

As you know, the Olympics were designed to give countries with crappy armies a chance to feel better than countries that kick ass. America does not need this.




Observe:



And this picture doesn’t even have a crying eagle or Dale Earnhardt in it.




Just because some Jamaican dude can run really fast and has a cool accent, doesn’t mean he’s better than us. Just because my creep roommate starts salivating whenever a “16 year old” Chinese gymnast falls down doesn’t mean he’s not still perving all over American pre-pubescents**. Also, no one puts on a badass fake fireworks display like the US of frickin’ A.





*The only true test of human mettle
**The greatest damn pre-pubescents on Earth!