Man, I know what you’re thinkin’.

You’re like: “Hey, where the content at, holmes”? – Don’t worry, I feel you, but you have to understand, ain’t shit goin’ down right now in the world of sports. Baseball is happening, but only because it still has to. Pre-Season football is only interesting because it is meaningless but can still totally blow your team’s season (see: Pennington, Chadwick). Hockey… yeah, I don't really even know.

“But what about the ‘lympics”? - you’re asking in your mouth-breathing twang. Breaking News: Fuck the Ho-lympics! Michael Phelps is weird looking. The Dumb Nickname Team is beating up on squads whose countries’ GDP’s are lower than their back court’s salary. Most damningly, IOC out and out refuses to make the Eliminator* a sanctioned event. Volleyball is good, but mostly because of butts.

As you know, the Olympics were designed to give countries with crappy armies a chance to feel better than countries that kick ass. America does not need this.




Observe:

And this picture doesn’t even have a crying eagle or Dale Earnhardt in it.

Just because some Jamaican dude can run really fast and has a cool accent, doesn’t mean he’s better than us. Just because my creep roommate starts salivating whenever a “16 year old” Chinese gymnast falls down doesn’t mean he’s not still perving all over American pre-pubescents**. Also, no one puts on a badass fake fireworks display like the US of frickin’ A.





*The only true test of human mettle
**The greatest damn pre-pubescents on Earth!