Ten Reasons to Hate Eric Devendorf

It's March Madness, my third or fourth favorite time of the year. My Huskies are a #1 seed, maybe deserved, maybe undeserved, but it doesn't really matter now. They've got to win the same amount of games as everyone else. Except for Morehead St, who need to win 1 more game than everyone.

However, I'm not going to talk about UConn. I'm going to give you my official March Madness 10 Reasons to Hate Eric Douchendorf.

1. He's ugly. He is honestly one of the ugliest looking dudes I've seen in a while. You show me a girl who wants to rail him because he's handsome and I'll show you a girl who thinks donkeys are handsome.

Luckily, Eric Devendorf goes to Syracuse, where 90%
of the student population is actually this ugly.

2. He hits women. If you don't remember, here's a reminder. The dude hit a girl. In the face. He claims it was in self defense. If you're the size of Eric Devendorf, and a girl is going after you, I'm pretty sure a simple hand up protecting you is defense enough.

3. Stupid tattoos. Stupid, stupid tattoos. Eric Devendorf is like the Kevin Federline of the NBA. Except Kevin Federline has more money, is more attractive, and plays the whole "I'm super white trash but I really REALLY want to be cool with black dudes" schtick much better.

I remember the first time I saw him and went "Wait...is that a fucking basketball inside of an cross?" Congratulations asshole, you have the dumbest tattoo I've ever seen. The great thing about the internet is that you can see the transformation of the tattoo from when he probably thought it was really cool, to after he got tons of work done on it to make it extreme and badass. Let's look at his before and after thought processes...



4. He wants to be Eminem. If you're white, from Michigan, you have a shaved head, and your nickname is 8 Mile, it's a safe assumption to say you actually want to be Eminem. I suppose the fact that I already mentioned he has less black dude cred than Kevin Federline means that being like Eminem is out of the picture. "Hi, my name is...what, my name is...who, my name is (tick-e-tick-e) Eric Devendorf" just doesn't have the same ring.

5. Seriously. I wasn't kidding about how ugly he is. Adam Morrison called, he wants his first month's growth of a moustache back.

6. His last name is Devendorf. I hope he enjoys his tenure at Hogwarts. Hey-ohhhhhh.

7. He makes Gerry McNamara seem tolerable. Do you know how hard it is for me to say that I like Gerry McNamara more than ANYONE? Being a UConn fan, McNamara was the bane of my existence for a small period of time. Now whenever I see Gerry at Syracuse games, I think "He's saving the seat next to him for you, Eric". Except you can't go to basketball games when you're getting your salad tossed in prison, which you will be.

8. For being such a tough wannabe gangsta thug, he is an unbelievably whiny bitch. Whenever Syracuse loses in this tournament in some heartbreaking fashion, expect a closeup of Devendorf sobbing on the shoulder of Jonny Flynn.


9. Be jealous, because he will probably have a better place than you when he moves back to his double wide in Michigan. I finally hit it big mama!

10. He yells way too fucking much. Yes, it's good when a player gets excited, but you can tell when a guy's just full of himself. That's Devendorf. He's the leader of his own fan club, and overdoes it in the limelight every chance he gets because he's well aware that his basketball career ends when he finishes college. When he's fighting to keep his spot on a D League squad 5 years down the road, I bet he'll tone his chest bumping down a bit. Also, we'll probably see some more abuse incidents. I'd put money on that.