I Love You, Universal HD

Unlike my colleague Billy, I have been thoroughly enjoying the Olympics this year. If for no other reason I enjoy being able to, at any moment in the day, flip the channel and see somebody do something better than anyone else in the world. One of my best surprises was finding out that a second channel, besides NBC, was showing content 'round the clock. What's even better, they tend to have the typically less-aired events. I've seen boxing, equestrian, water polo, handball, and more.

So tonight I'm folding my laundry and decide "hey, why not liven up this mind-numbing task with some O-Lympic excitement!" Seeing that NBC has switched over to "news" I got to my trusty new friend, Universal HD. And what do I see?

This:
That's right. Olympic freakin RACE WALKING. It's not that I've never heard of the sport before... I used to watch Malcom in the Middle just like you did. I've just never seen people who take it seriously in action. Emphasis not on the action.

I have to say I'm riveted to my set as I watch these brave athletes fight through the torrential downpour that's surely making it slightly less comfortable to walk in. I mean, have you ever walked for a while after stepping in a puddle? Yuck, no thanks. Walk on you brave soldiers.

The best part has been listening to these announcers fill over 30 minutes with commentary. I now know that international officials hold up signs to warn competitors that they are breaking form... that the race walking fans are an "intense, tight knit community"... that they had to put down a new surface because the walkers complained that the asphalt was "too hard"... and that competitors apparently chat it up during competitions. And of course I've been treated to such quips as "Kaniskina is really WALKING away with this one..." and "It looks like she's taking a WALK in the park". Oh Olympic commentating B Z Team... you clever bastards.

At least now I know that long distance race walkers get the same weird, creepy abs that all elite distance track stars get (see below). So, I've got that goin for me. Which is nice.

Also, nice tan lines. I know there's not much sun in England, but DAMN.

EDIT: Just heard "In a moment we'll see just exactly how wide her gap is." Giggity.

Man, I know what you’re thinkin’.

You’re like: “Hey, where the content at, holmes”? – Don’t worry, I feel you, but you have to understand, ain’t shit goin’ down right now in the world of sports. Baseball is happening, but only because it still has to. Pre-Season football is only interesting because it is meaningless but can still totally blow your team’s season (see: Pennington, Chadwick). Hockey… yeah, I don't really even know.

“But what about the ‘lympics”? - you’re asking in your mouth-breathing twang. Breaking News: Fuck the Ho-lympics! Michael Phelps is weird looking. The Dumb Nickname Team is beating up on squads whose countries’ GDP’s are lower than their back court’s salary. Most damningly, IOC out and out refuses to make the Eliminator* a sanctioned event. Volleyball is good, but mostly because of butts.

As you know, the Olympics were designed to give countries with crappy armies a chance to feel better than countries that kick ass. America does not need this.




Observe:

And this picture doesn’t even have a crying eagle or Dale Earnhardt in it.

Just because some Jamaican dude can run really fast and has a cool accent, doesn’t mean he’s better than us. Just because my creep roommate starts salivating whenever a “16 year old” Chinese gymnast falls down doesn’t mean he’s not still perving all over American pre-pubescents**. Also, no one puts on a badass fake fireworks display like the US of frickin’ A.





*The only true test of human mettle
**The greatest damn pre-pubescents on Earth!

If they can breath, they can win...

Now that title doesn't mean, "As long as the USA Men's Basketball team is conscious, they'll kick the crap out of every country they face." It's more like, "the air in China resembles Mars so stay the hell inside at all times." But alas, instead of investigating the extremely poor air quality over there, I'm actually going to analyze the team and why/how it's different from the 2004 squad. I suppose I could just say that this team doesn't have Stephon Marbury and call it a day. Seriously, Marbury?

There are only four players from that team that's back again this year: Dwayne Wade (pictured above, being awesome), LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony and Carlos Boozer. If all are healthy, I see no reason why they shouldn't be in Beijing. Jason Kidd will most likely start at the point with two schmoes (kidding!) named Chris Paul and Deron Williams backing him up. Considering how Wade, Tattoo-Head and Allen Iverson (Tattoo-Neck?) were the only three guards on the ENTIRE team in Athens, I'd say the team is off to a pretty damn good start. Michael Redd and Kobe round out the guards. Not only does Kobe need surgery on his finger, but he just played in the NBA Finals a month ago. He'll still play well but he's nowhere near 100% right now. Redd is just viscious from beyond the arc and that will most likely be his only responsibility. Nothing wrong with that.

Joining Lebron, Boozer and Melo at forward will be Tayshaun Prince. Personally, I hate this guy. As a Heat fan and someone who followed the Celtics' run through the playoffs this year, I just can't stand that Detroit team. Not to mention he sucked big time in that series against Boston. He played seven more minutes a game and barely raised his season averages, disappearing on the court for lengths of time. But with all that said, I think he's a good fit here. He won't be looking for his shot at all and will play some serious D. Lamar Odom, Shawn Marion, and Richard Jefferson were there in Athens. Um, what were Stephen Jackson, Rasheed Wallace and Al Harrington busy? Lamar and Marion are essentially the same player (with Marion playing more D) and Jefferson always struck me as kind of soft. They are good NBA players, but not good enough for an Olympic team.

Now here's where things might get a little dicey. Dwight Howard will start at center. The dude is a beast, no question. He will dominate any joker that tries to get in the paint. But when he's out of the game, Chris Bosh will be at the 5. Chris Bosh is a great, but he's not a true center by any means. He's more of a KG type power forward. The height is there, but he's not a banger. The team could run into some trouble against bigger lineups.

The problem is, what American born centers could make the trip? Tyson Chandler is actually going as an alternate. He's really coming into his own and I wouldn't mind him as a 12th man, maybe going instead of Carmelo or Deron Williams. But after him? Amare proved that he can be a superstar-but playing next to a huge center in the middle. (Notice I said huge and not necessarily good.) Al Jefferson's not a true center either plus he's a long way off defensively. Duncan was there in Athens but at this point in his career, I doubt he wants anything to do with games not played in the NBA. Don't even get me started on Okafor being there either...Kendrick Perkins is coming off shoulder surgery and KG still hasn't slept since the Finals. Not kidding. So that leaves the one guy I think will be a star by the 2012 games in London: Andrew Bynum. Even if he was healthy, I don't know if I would expose him to all that international play after only his second year. But I can promise you that if he progresses the way he did in the first half of the season this year, other countries will be peeing everywhere at the thought of going up against Howard AND Bynum in four years.

I've heard some arguments that whatever team wins the NBA Finals should represent the US against the world. I can appreciate the whole "they've been playing on the same team all year so they'll be cohesive" approach, but Boston played 108 games since November 2nd. That is insane. I'm sure Danny Ainge is thanking his lucky stars that no Boston player is actually on the Olympic roster. Plus, do you think the rest of the guys would want to play next to Posey right now? Don't get me wrong, I think it'd be rad to see Leon rep the red, white and blue, but there just isn't enough time to recuperate and prepare. Besides, I wouldn't be shocked to see some of the younger guys on the next Olympic team.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here. Puerto Rico demolished the United States 92-73 in the first game in 2004. It would make a great statement if the US could go out and not only win big in their first game, but win against the home country. Having Mike Krzyzewski as the head coach is a bit interesting since there are no college players. Boozer is the only one with any kind of history with Coach K so I don't see any bad blood being a possibility.



They'll have five exhibition games leading up to that August 10th matchup against Yao and the Chinese team. Combine that with all of the practices and the desire to finish higher than third in World competition for the first time since 2000, I believe the United States Men's Basketball team has a great chance to come together as a unit, put egos aside, and proudly and successfully represent their country. All twelve of those guys definitely deserve to be there and I don't think they'll take anything for granted. Yes, the rest of the world has caught up a bit to America, but I don't think they've caught up enough to beat this team.

I never really believe anything that Kobe Bryant said, but when he was asked what would be placed higher in his trophy case (let's just assume he has one) his NBA Championships or a potential gold medal, he didn't hesitate to say it would be the medal. He also said that every one of his teammates feel the same way. Take that all with a grain of salt but it's still fairly encouraging. It sucks that it will probably feel like smoking a carton of American Spirits after being outside for five seconds, but you can't control everything...